About Domestic Abuse & Violence
Domestic abuse and violence is a pattern of controlling behavior in the context of a current or former relationship. One person purposefully seeks to limit the rights of their partner. The actions of the abusive person are purposeful and chosen. They are based on a belief system that tells them they are entitled to privilege their desires and needs above their partners’.
This behavior pattern can include a variety of tactics, including physical, verbal, emotional, financial, and sexual control and violence. The video below shares one survivor’s perspective of experiencing abuse.
What is domestic abuse and violence?
Domestic abuse and violence is a pattern of behavior that one person in a relationship chooses to use in order to control what the other person in the relationship does. That behavior may include insults, manipulation, threats, isolation from support, financial control, and/or physical or sexual violence. Learn more:
What causes domestic abuse and violence?
Domestic abuse and violence is based on one person’s belief that they have the right to control the person they are in a relationship with. They might get that belief from many places: their upbringing, community norms, religion, or cultural reference points are common examples. All of us make choices based on what we believe to be true. So, when someone believes that they have the right to control the person they are in relationship with, they choose behaviors reflecting that belief.
Many people think that things like mental health, substance use, or a bad childhood drive the actions of abusive people. Those factors can certainly complicate the situation and increase the danger… But they do not cause the abuse. Plenty of people have those struggles and do not hurt or scare the people they love. Others make choices to behave in ways that are controlling, scary, and violent, because they believe they are entitled to do so. Learn more:
Is all violence in a relationship the same?
No – and the more we understand the differences, the more effective we can be at preventing violence of all kinds. There are three main kinds of violence used in intimate relationships:
- Coercive/controlling violence: When someone uses coercive and violent behaviors against their partner repeatedly, on purpose, to control them. This is what we mean when we say “domestic abuse and violence.”
- Resistive/reactive violence: When someone uses violence to defend against or resist the actions of the person who is abusing them. While these behaviors can meet the legal definition of “domestic violence” and can result in someone being charged with a crime, we recognize there is a difference between fighting back and being abusive. That is why our member advocates regularly work with survivors who’ve ended up in the criminal legal system.
- Other violence: When someone uses violence that is driven by factors truly out of their control, like when a person with dementia uses violence against their family members. This kind of violence is real. It’s important to know that people who use coercive/controlling violence often try to say the violence they use is out of their control, when it’s not.
Learn more:
What happens when you call the helpline?
You can call anytime – the helpline is available 24/7, 365 days a year. Each regional Domestic Violence Resource Center operates their own line. In addition, MCEDV’s statewide helpline number connects callers with their local center.
When you call, a dispatcher will answer and take your name and number. They will then send your information to advocates, who will call you back within a short time. Advocates specialize in safety planning: continually examining the risks and choices facing a survivor, and helping that survivor decide what to do to deal with those risks and stay safe. They will ask you questions about your situation to understand what is going on, and how they can help. They won’t tell you what to do, judge you, or pressure you to do something you’re not sure about. Think of them like a really informed, expert sounding board who knows about the resources in your community. Learn more:
How can I help a friend?
Realizing someone you care about is being abused can be difficult. You might feel unsure about what you can do to make a difference, scared you might accidentally make things worse by trying to help, or frustrated by the whole situation. Abuse is common, and so it might bring up feelings about your own past experiences. A good place to start is to call the helpline. Advocates can support you in whatever you are feeling, and they can help you figure out next steps in how you can be there for your friend. Learn more
Why is leaving an abusive partner hard?
There are many reasons people are together. People usually get into a relationship because of attraction and love. Those feelings can remain, even when things get bad. People in relationships often share children, finances, a home, pets, friends – a whole life. It’s hard, both logistically and emotionally, to change all that. Some people feel like they made a commitment and they must stick with it, no matter what. Many are trapped by a partner’s financial control and have no easy option to get free. And many are rightfully terrified of what might happen if they try to escape. Just because you leave doesn’t mean that the person abusing you will stop. In fact, they often get more dangerous when someone threatens to break free of their control. It can feel overwhelming to sort it all out. An advocate can help think through your unique situation and how to stay safe – whether you are considering leaving or not. Learn more:
Are victims safer with a gun?
The presence of a gun – regardless of whose gun it is – in a home where a person is abusing their partner increases the risk of homicide by up to 500%. The research is clear: a gun increases the risk. And in cases where a survivor has used a gun against the person abusing them, the survivor often ends up facing charges. We will always support survivors to make their own choices – and we want to be sure survivors have accurate information to inform those choices. Learn more:
Can an abusive person change?
Survivors often want to know if it is possible for the person abusing them to change. The answer is complicated. Abuse is a choice, and people who abuse can choose to act differently. Not everyone makes that choice.
Changing is hard work. It requires reckoning with the harm that one has caused, trying to make whatever amends are possible, examining the beliefs that lead to the choice to abuse, and learning different beliefs that lead to different choices. It’s often a lifetime’s work, and there are no simple fixes or guarantees. Learn more:
How does domestic violence impact children?
Domestic violence affects children deeply. The tactics that an adult uses to hurt the other adult often hurt the children as well: financial control, threats, isolation, and physical violence all take their toll on children in the home. If parents separate, the children are almost always required to have some contact with both parents, which can bring up big questions about safety, and leave survivor-parents facing tough choices about whether staying where they can be a buffer or leaving but having to send the children back really is best. Learn more:
